Forgive or Forget?

                    I know what you're thinking. The title should be Forgive and Forget, right? But for me it's not. It's either you forget that person or you forgive him. That's the way my heart goes.
                    
                    Last night he(KP) and I chatted in facebook. I don't know why I aloud it to happen or maybe  coincidentally my heart was openminded that time. We talked for hours about the latest happeninigs in our lives. He also apologized for his violent behaviour last time. Suddenly a thought came to me. He apologized for that, then he knows that I was there last time and he knows that he frightened me with his violence. So he still cares about my feelings huh! Our topic suddenly strayed to the past. I thought, maybe this is the right time to talk about the past between us. I just want to clear up the mess in my memories of him. Actually I was hoping that what I thought happened didn't really happened. Well what do you know? I found out that I was his first love. Though he have dated several girls in his past school, I was the first one he really loved and the one he didn't date. That's what he said. Who cares if that's the truth or not. At least I found out that he really meant what he said before. He's wasn't really a liar after all. Thought the confusion in my mind and heart was cleared, I can't love him anymore. Why? Because I've already moved on and I already have enough problems at hand with another guy. Too bad those feelings were wasted. At least I found out the truth and the truth set me free.

XOXO

heiressgirl

                     There's no use living if I only live to make other people happy.


                All the things that I've done, I did it for someone. Is my life going to be like this everyday? Do I always have to satisfy certain people in order to be happy? Well, it's making my life worse. All of the things that've done were not for me. All of it were for my parents,my friends, my teachers and many others. I didn't realize it untill now. I realized that I've never lived a proper life; a life that is for myself, not for anyone else. What must I do to make them happy without sacrificing anything on m part? I've lose a lot of things just for the sake of others. Memories,friends,experience,love and happiness. All these I've sacrificed just for them because they told me that even though I sacrificed all of those I would still be happy. A few years have past since they've told me that and yet I'm still not happy. So if my whole life would be like that always, it would be better if I die right now, whether I go to hell or heaven, I don't care. Maybe hell would be better than this life, because in hell you would be working for the devil only while in this world, you'll be working for many people.

               After all that happened this week, all the emotions, all the pain and all the sacrifices I've made, he's still the only one in my mind. What does he have that others don't have? Ok lng sana eh, pero the fact that he's not within my reach is making it hard for me. I don't want to compete with others for him. Kasi baka hindi naman siya deserving. Kung dumating and time na malaman ko na deserving pala siya, that's the time I'll fight for him, because I know that I won't regret it afterwards. Hope he can feel what I feel right now. I'm not saying na I love him already. Not yet anyway.

XOXO

heiressgirl

Which One O Unmerciful Faith?

                               I'm sick of it all! Everything, anything, all the things that has to do with LOVE;I hate it all!
                               How could fate be cruel to me? I've done nothing wrong to deserve this kind of punishment(for me)! Is it wrong to stay out of love for just a few days, weeks, months or maybe years? I just want to relax and be free for even just a little while. Please don't make me fall in love with the same person(again) and another one(latest guy) at the same time! Can't you just pick one among them? But please don't pick the latest one, because I can't imagine falling in love with him. It just seems so impossible and illegal. Unless you want me dead before I turn 15. There's also a conflict with the old one, because I already have moved on and once I've done that I will never go back on my word  so your left with no options. Unless your that powerful enough to make me believe and do those stuffs that I said I will never do, I will never fall in love with either of them or any other guy untill 3rd year. Hah! Let's see you beat that!

                               To those people who knows about this: Please don't think that because of this morning's event, I've fallen in love or maybe just bedazzled by him(latest guy). No. It's not like that. I'm not that kind of person. Plus I already told you that I only see him as a brother, no more no less. That's all. And as for the old one, I don't care much about him now. All I care is that he's making my life hard, well, both of them are making my life hard. So don't ever question my actions and behaviour because that's who I really am. If you're my friend then you know this already.

XOXO

feeling so confused and angry

Heiressgirl

New Feelings Confirmed! or Maybe Not

                          Today, I found out that these strange feelings I feel towards this particular guy was a hoax...or maybe not. But this what I found out, at least.

A. He has this strong sex appeal that appeals to many girls in my class, but it doesn't affect me in the same way it does to my classmates.(because I'm not that shallow!)

B. She(the adult I talked to) thinks that the reason why this guy is acting like this towards me was because he knows that I don't have a crush on him so he doesn't feel awkward when talking to me. Maybe that's why he chose me to be his partner in our dance.

C. People say that I have an air of confindence in me. So maybe that's why he likes to argue with me. He wants to test that confidence I have. (Your doing great kid! You're actually degrading that confidence of mine.)

D. (don't think so) He's just doing it for the group.

E. (Impossible!!!!) He actually likes me.

So far, that's all I've got from the Masters. She and He didn't reveal everything to me. They want me to find out myself. They said that I have to wait and see. So that's what I'll do!

XOXO

I'll wait and see...

heiressgirl

Hopes Up....Hopes Down

                       Why is it so hard for people to understand your feelings about a certain thing? Let's say about Mathematics. They already know that you're bad at Math and yet they still expect you to have a high grade in it. How ironic, right?
                      My mom just can't understand how hard it is for me to get a high grade in Mathematics. Hello! I'm not born to be good at analysing Mathematical problems..Algebra...etc. Why can't she just accept it that I have no chance in Math? I always do everything I can to understand my Math lessons, but of course, since I'm born to be bad at MAth, I always get it wrong even though I already knew how to answer it. She suggested that I ask help from a friend of mine who is good in MAth, but I can't be forever asking him, right? I don't want to disappoint my mom but it's just too much! I can't handle it! I have my own happiness too. I can't sacrifice it just for that! I know I sound like a rebelious child right now, but I don't care! No one can ever deprive me from my own happiness. And that is: being myself.
                   Being myself means doing everything my own way, because I can't possibly strive in something if someone suddenly tried to take control of my life. I mean, who wants to be controlled by someone anyway? Can't they just understand that? I know I owe my parents a lot, but I'll repay them in my own different way. Because I won't be satisfied in it if someone told me what to do.

I just want to be happy without disappointing or hurting someone! Math sucks! So do I!

XOXO

heiressgirl

What To To? What to DO? WHAT TO DO?!!!!!!

            I am obviously freaking out here!!! What the hell is happening to my life? Grrrrrrr.....

               It's just so freaking hard to concentrate on everything else,what with all these love related commotions in my life! Am I that bad that God is making me suffer now? God knows tha LOVE is my weakness, so why is he using it against me? First, that guy I was talking about was troubling me, now I have to deal with this guy from the past?! Hey,I'm just one person. I can't handle that much! Sigh. What's with love nowadays?
               I'm still worried about him(IQ). Why am I having these strange feelings? I don't want to end up liking him in a freaking way! 'Cause that will end our friendship. Now that we are becoming much closer than before, why do I have to break that? I can't. It's just plain stupid to fall in love with a person you treat as your brother. I mean, who wants to love(as in boyfriend) her brother anyway? The way he talks and the way he treats me is so damn strange! Why can't it just go back to normal? or maybe I really don't want it to be the same way it used to be? Which is which, anyway? Can't I have both without going balistic(what kind of word is this anyway?)? Great. Even my vocabs are getting into balistic(it means crazy or wild)  mode. Somebody please help me out here!
            Today I just saw my ex-love act not- himself. He's going crazy just because of a girl who doesn't even deserve him? I mean, there are other girls out there who would appreciate his feelings more(except me). I got scared of him because I was at the crime scene when he started acting violently. Good thing it didn't result into trouble in his part. The question is: Why did I run away when I saw him cry? I thought I was over him, then why am I like this? I know deep down in my heart that I've moved on already. I'm totally saying the truth right now! Maybe I just can't stand to see someone whom I valued before be hurt by other people. Even though I don't feel the same way towards him now than before, I still pity him because he's my friend. That's all.

Two guys in one day. Whew! What a day! Tomorrow is practice time again. I gotta go and investigate about these strange feelings of mine.

XOXO

heiressgirl

How Do You know If It's Love or Plain Crush or MAYBE IT Was Just Nothing?

It's already obvious in the title. Even though I already have a couple of boyfriends in the past, I still don't know if I'm in-love with a person or not. Like right now. I feel something weird when I'm talking with this guy. Not weird as in not right weird, but weird as in I feel different when I'm talking to him than with other guys. Whenever I'm arguing with him about school stuffs, I ended up being hurt and I suddenly find myself crying even though his words doesn't hurt at all, that is if it came from other guys. I don't know how he does that. I know he did't meant to hurt me, I know that, but I just can't help myself. Now I'm starting to wonder what is he to me. Is he just a mere friend who happens to have a sword for a tongue or maybe he's something else? I don't want to think of that word: crush, because I don't feel that way nor love is the right word for it. I just can't find the right word to describe what I'm feeling except for: clueless. I already asked the help of my friend who is expert in MY feelings. I emphasized on the my feelings part because that friend of mine knows all the things about me that has to do with love. She too thought that this is weird and she too can't find the right word to describe it except for: clueless. Arrrrrgh!!! What am I to do with my life?! What's the use of all those years of love and crushes when I can't get anything good from all those experiences? It's just plain stupid how good made it work. You see my bestfriend had a crush on him before but I think she still does and now it seems like I'm the next one! I don't want this! IT's So Weird! No way! I'm not that kind of girl at all! I may be a playgirl sometimes and I tend to go overboard with guys but this is beyond my abilities! My heart is not that strong! Oh for crying out loud! Why am I even worrying about this? It's not even February yet! All I know is that if this doesn't stop on it's own, I'll be the one to do the terminating part.